A kind-of-but-not-really love note

Dear future boyfriend/husband/manfriend,

Here are a few things I find extreme comfort in:

I don't have to worry about

how goofy I act in public
or if I am asking too many questions
or if I am being too "clingy"
or the extremely weird and out of no where things I tend to say
or if I need to like the same kind of music as you
or if I need to dress a certain way
or if I have to say the right things
or if I know certain quotes
or if I watch certain movies
or if I am funny enough
or if I like the same sports as you
or if I know the rules of football

Because there are only a few things that matter

that I am following my heart
       and by my heart I mean the things the Lord puts on my heart
that I have grace
that I take each step hand in hand with Jesus
and that I want what the Lord wants of me.

And all of that other nonsense won't even matter, because you'll see how goofy I act and love it, you'll love me despite the fact that I say weird things or even the fact that sometimes I sing off key- everything about me will for some reason attract you to me.

I don't have to try to be someone. I get to be me, and you'll find me as I am.
God will bring us together.

I trust Him. And I trust that He has made me to be the woman I am for a reason and for that reason, you'll love me, just as He does. And I promise to love you for your goofy ways too.

Learning How to Die

Ok. So this post was semi inspired by Jon Foreman, but I don't think the point I'm going to make is the same as the point he was trying to make. But still- he got me thinking.

In his song "Learning How to Die" he sings so beautifully:

All along-
Thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry


The line that spoke the loudest to me was "How to bend not how to break" 


One of my biggest fears in my life is becoming complacent. I would rather live a life of poverty than a life full of complacency. 
Because the truth is when I am complacent I am going through the motions, 
when I'm complacent I'm empty, 
when I'm complacent I'm careless,
when I'm complacent Christ isn't seen, 
when I'm complacent my soul is dead. 


Bending is a safe way to live my life, and never do I want to play it safe in my faith. When you bend, you have control over the situation knowing full well that you are capable of standing straight on your own. But when you break, only God can put you back together, and he always puts you back stronger than you were before. I want to take risks; I want to jump knowing full well that I will be captured by God. I want to break, and be made new. Over and over and over again. I don't want to stay the same. 


Side note- this message was given to me twice in the past 24 hours... The Branch talked about Faith without works last night, and this same thought pressed on me just now listening to Jon Foreman... I love when God does that to me. I always smile and say "Ok Jesus, I get it." 


"Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts... Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings." James 3:13-17 (The Message)


And so. It's the way I live. Breaking, not bending. Dying to myself. Living for Christ. Taking a step back, and letting Jesus step forward. 

Some things the Lord has been teaching me:

I don't have all the answers, and I never will.

Situations are out of my control. The best thing I can do for myself is step away and let the Lord do His thing.

Sometimes I have my own expectations, and the Lord has something else in mind.

The Lord is faithful.

People fail. I fail. The Lord will never fail.

I need to lose myself for good and find myself in Jesus.

Days spent with the Lord feel whole. Days spent without the Lord are empty.

I am cherished, loved, adored.

A lot of these lessons I've had to learn over and over and over again. And that's just a part of life. The Lord might bring us back to the same spot again and again until the we know. He'll lead us through it, hand in hand until we have an understanding of His complete love. In the end, I am so glad that the Lord is teaching me things and He isn't going to let me stay the same.

God in the small things

Very often the Lord will teach me things through the most unexpected circumstances. And for some reason, each time I am still surprised by the lessons I still have to learn, the growth I am still capable of (not to say that I think I'm perfect) and all the different ways He can show up in my life.

I am so blessed.

So, I've been working at a cupcake shop for a little over a month now. The place is always slow, and I usually just stand around cleaning things that no normal person would ever think of cleaning. But the Lord has revealed himself in such profound ways in this somewhat insignificant store.

For example, a family of four came in today and I wanted to scoop them in my arms and love them forever. It was a mom, dad, brother, and sister, and they were precious. Literally. They so clearly loved each other. They were on a random family outing together, and decided cupcakes were the adventure of the day. They sat around the table (with me creepily observing, obviously) and talked and laughed and just had wonderful uninterrupted family time. The son was probably around 10 and he hugged his dad out of no where and said, "I love you, dad." My. Heart. Melted.

No hidden agenda, no manipulation. Just love in its purest and most innocent form. A father and child relationship full of love, love that overflows to the creepy girl standing behind the counter witnessing it all.

And that is what I want for my life. I want to love God so much so, that everyone around can tell, that it is plain as daylight that I LOVE God. I want my life to be a constant out pour of love from God, overflowing to everyone: people I love, people who have hurt me, strangers, acquaintances, angry people, hurting people, loving people. Everyone.  I want to live my life according to God's will so that the world can see how good God is, and can be for them too.

I want my life to be wrapped in the love of  God's unfailing, never-ending embrace.

Praise the Lord for showing up in the smallest, most unexpected places.
Praise Him that He has taught me to open my eyes and see Him.

Anxiety

Anxiety creeps in on me daily. My body is taken over by the over whelming sensation that I am:

1. Not worth it
2. Failing
3. Lost
4. Blah blah blah blah

You get the idea.

I never know how to cope with this annoying emotion. I feel as if it is out of my control and I beg and plead that the Lord just comforts my heart and eases my tension. I feel trapped. My head knows the Lord is there with me in this sea of anxiousness, and yet my heart screams out for someone- anyone- to grab hold of it. If I could aline my head and my heart, I'd be golden. But, of course, that's not how things work.


I think what my heart needs is a new perspective. I need to take a step back and recognize what is causing this anxiety. What is this tension that is pressing down on me, causing me to struggle to break free?

Is this something that is hindering my relationship with the Lord?

Because you see, the Lord is full of love and grace and mercy, anything not of Him would be the complete opposite. This anxiety could be the Holy Spirit moving in me, trying to grab my attention. I can picture Him inside me with a megaphone yelling, "Hellllooooooooooo, get a gripppppp!"

I have found that when I take this step back I can see the sin splashed across myself that is causing this big annoying cluster of anxiety. But why do I continually let myself get to this place of anxiousness and stress? Why can't I just nip it in the bud and save myself from days/weeks/months of gut wrenching, nauseating stress?

Because I'm human. Somehow I always forget about this little tid bit. Boo. And that's what it all really boils down to. What every post will really be about, what every problem will eventually point to. Human.

Weak, unworthy, sinful... Human.

Somehow God loves us though. Thank goodness for that... If he didn't I don't know who would.

Until You Came Along

It's been a while since I wrote something. I've discovered that I actually don't have all that much to say, I'm not all bloggy like my other blogger friends :) And this post isn't even really my blogging, it's me sharing the lyrics to a song that has really moved me.

Yup, you guessed it, it's a JJ Heller song, and yes, I love her music. Her voice is soothing, and soft, and I kind of get the impression that she isn't even trying, it just comes out beautifully. A wee bit jealous? Maybs.

For the record, her new album is AMAZING, and the whole world should buy it.

This song gives me the goosebumps. It makes me fall in love with Jesus all over again. Enjoy.

I tried to live this life on my own
But emptiness was beating down the door
Yea I rose up like a flood
Until my dying days were done
They are no more

Nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came along

Falling in love with you was easy
You were always meant to have my heart
I was broken all to pieces
You were there to be the missing part

Nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came...

And I never wanna go back
To the way things were before
You saved me and you made me yours

Now nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came along

Parking lots are dangerous.

Well first of all, anyone who has ever driven with me can probably attest to the fact that I'm not a very good driver.

Parking lots are especially bad places for me. They're not like driving on the highway or the road. People kind of do what they want in parking lots. They cut across lanes, go down the wrong lane, are more likely to not pay attention because it's "not as big of a deal" or whatever the case may be. Therefore parking lots, plus me, plus other bad drivers, equals bad.

I got flipped off today, and for whatever reason, it really affected me. I'm not entirely sure why. We were both driving toward the exit of the plaza, and neither one of us (ok, I'll take my share of the blame but she was partially at fault too!) were paying attention. Luckily I slammed on my brakes, and she drove through. And that's when it happened.

She looked right at me.
Right into my soul, I swear.
And flipped me off.

Now don't get me wrong, I can be an angry driver. Once again, anyone who has driven with me can probably attest to that. But this woman was SO hateful. It really bothered me for the rest of the day. I honestly took it way too personal, and started to question myself as a person. Am I crazy? Maybe a bit too emotional, but man, this lady really got to me.

I just started to realize how unloving our society is. This sign of hatred, anti-love, which is ultimately anti-God, was thrown out there for the silliest thing. It's not as if I murdered her cat, stole her car, or even pulled her hair. I made a silly error. One that all of us have made multiple times in our lives. Our world is just so... broken. And while every day God shows me a little glimpse of himself, I'm also daily reminded of how broken this place is, and how fallen we are from what God really intended for us.

That's all I got. This blog was more of a rambling session than anything else. Typing this, my anxiety subsided, and her face is slowly becoming a blob, but still, the reminder of this broken world will follow me until the day I get to join my heavenly father.